Monday, November 11, 2013

The Blind Date.

Hello guys! So you may have been aware that a few weeks ago, I thought I was going to die . You see, I was going for the Mizuno run organi...

Hello guys!

So you may have been aware that a few weeks ago, I thought I was going to die. You see, I was going for the Mizuno run organised by the great people from World of Sports and you know, I hate running. So naturally, I presumed that something like this would happen to me.

(Via someecards).

Yes.I take death very seriously. If you don't already know, I have a blog post specially dedicated to my afterlife requests. Here! Read it! It's probably more entertaining that whatever report you're trying to write at work now. Unless of course, you work for a loony bin. Then you know, I probably can't compete because it's not a fair fight. Clearly, I am more neurotic than all of the patients added together, my sanctity and soundness of mind gives loony bin patients an unfair advantage over me.
(Via Demotivation).

Anyhow, as I was saying, in my instructional post on how to run, I mentioned that I was genuinely afraid of dying in the middle of my run. Truly!
"I was very afraid in the days leading up to my run. Because you know, I hate running and I hadn't run in a while. I mean, what chance of survival do I have if top-notch runners can collapse and die right after, or even in the middle of their runs?!!!"
(Jacqueline, 2013)
So anyway! I was really so sad the day before my run. Not only because you know, I'd be running, but also because the idea of waking up at 5 am scares me. But you know, I went around my day with a smile on my face, a twinkle in my eye and a bounce in my step. You know, because I'm strong and secretly butch.

So my day entailed me going to Tangs for an Estée Lauder shoot. Here's my beauty shot!
Read more about the foundation that I'm wearing here! It's Estée Lauder's Double Wear foundation and I PROMISE, it can last from day to night. Or day to day. I've used it on days which start at 9 am and end at 4 am. Eyeliner was gone, but foundation was still there (Y).

And that day was coincidentally the opening of the new Krispy Kremes outlet in Tangs!
(More photos here).

So I was happily telling all my friends on Whatsapp about my wonderful Krispy Kreme day, courtesy of the wonderful people of Clozette.

Okay let's back track a little, all the way back to October. When my great friends and I were celebrating Thaddaeus' birthday. We had beer and ramen, the start of a wonderful tradition for the celebration of Thad's birthday. (And one day we will all be going to Japan for REAL JAPANESE BEER AND RAMEN for his birthday).
After we had dinner at this place in Tanjong Pagar called "Keisuke Tonkotsu King", we headed to 100 AM for dessert. Cheryl, Andrew and I went to choose desserts, and Thad and James went gallivanting around 100 AM. And during their gallivant, they found this exhibition booth.
(Via Silver's blog. I love Silver. She is good and taught me how to cartwheel in Phuket this year).

It was for this app called "Paktor" which works likes Grindr, Tinder, or Blendr, Basically, you connect the app to your Facebook and it pulls out 3 specific pieces of information - your name, your age, and your profile picture. And this will form your profile on Paktor. Mine looked something like this:
Yes. Anyway, how Paktor (and the rest of the apps I've mentioned) works is that it'll show you the profiles of people in the vicinity, and you get to "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" the person based on their name, age, and photos. You, and the other person, won't be notified unless both of you thumbed each other up.

So when Thad and James rejoined us...
Thad, "Eh Jac Jac! You must download this Paktor app!" 
Jac, "What Thor app?"
Thad, "This app! Paktor!"
Jac, "What app is this?!"
Thad, "I don't know but like cool to see how it works."
*Jac looks at James for help*
James, "Ya download la! Looks interesting."
Thad, "I think it's like Grindr."
Jac, "NO okay! Why should I download it?!!!"
Thad, "Because it's my birthday and you are the only single one here."
Like that okay this Thad. Play the birthday card. So yes, Jac downloaded the Paktor app and we spent the rest of the night rating guys on Paktor. Most of the guys we saw got the thumbs down. Why? Let me explain.

Guys, here's why no one is liking your online profile.

1. Your selfies are BAD.
You may not realise it, but some guys take really bad selfies. Like so.

Which is fine. I'm not particularly skilled at taking selfies myself. But hello, if your selfie portrays you to be a overweight stoner, a neurotic psychopath high on ecstasy, or someone who is just so, NO, for heavens sake, delete the selfie. Don't upload it onto Facebook, use it as your profile picture and expect to get likes based on that.

2. That car. It is not yours.
So as we were browsing through Paktor profiles, we realised that many guys liked to use pictures of cars and bikes as their profile pictures. Like so.

Okay yes. I know it is your lifetime ambition to own a Bugatti, Ferrari or Lamborghini. But you know, I'm sure that that car in your profile picture is not yours. Seriously man. I would rather thumbs up a guy who put his own Toyota Corolla or Cherry QQ as his profile picture as compared to a guy who put a shiny Lambo as his profile picture. Why? I'd at least be reassured that this guy I'm going to thumbs up is capable of taking photos of his own car. As compared to this idiot who probably downloaded the coolest looking car photo off the internet.

3. Your name.
While I have nothing against people with weird names (I have a friend called Zelizzel and she's really cool which makes her name also very cool), I have an issue with people who call themselves "Will Badboyz Drama" or "Sherman SoFly Edgefield Tan" or "Jackson Emokid Teo". Seriously, either your parents had such bad taste as to give you such silly names, or you just have bad judgement and should not be allowed onto social media at all.

4. Your girlfriend.
(Via J-14).

Yes. Your girlfriend is sweet. Or your really really really good female friend. But if you have a really sweet picture of you and another girl as your profile picture, the only social dating site you should be on is Ashley Madison. Or Grindr.

But I digress, Anyhow, we were flipping through the profiles and giving almost everyone a thumbs down. (Andrew,"No! He looks okay now but look at his body structure. He will be fat at 40.") But eventually, we did give some people thumbs ups and Paktor kindly notified me that they were matches ("It's a Match!").
(Via lowyat).

Anyway, long story short, I started talking to this guy and he seemed pretty cool. He used to work in a company which marketed alcohol, and then he swapped to work in the oil and gas industry three months ago. He had travelled extensively to exotic locations like Mongolia, but said that he had never been to Australia because it was "too mainstream". Yes. He was a normal texter.

Now, back to the main story. It was the day before my 10 km run, I had changed my WhatsApp display picture to a photo of me holding a box of donuts, and I had already told all my friends (including this boy, let's call him "Matthew") about my Krispy Kreme acquisition. I was really prepared to go home after my Estée Lauder photoshoot. But Azleena from Clozette was telling me that I should go out since I was already all dolled up. So, I met up with a friend for lunch and shopping. And halfway through my shopping trip, Matthew told me he was in town and asked if I wanted to grab dinner. 

At first, I was a bit skeptical. Like, hello? Blind date? No way. But then, my friend pointed out that I had spent 30% of the afternoon planning on how to collapse to the ground in a graceful and glamorous manner so that my corpse would look less like this:
(From Bones, Season 8 Episode 15, "A Shot In The Dark", Via Persephone Magazine).

And more like this
(From Castle, Season 3 Episode 2, "Pretty Dead", Via Spoiler TV).

Yeah. So. #YOLO. I decided to meet Matthew for dinner.
(Via Meme Crunch).

OMG, Where do I even start? So he started by asking what time I'd be done as he was going to catch a movie which would be ending at 7. I said I'd be done by 5, but you know, it's Orchard so it'd be quite easy for me to entertain myself till then. I also said that I had one condition - that he chooses where to eat. Because you know, I really am not that picky when it comes to food. Yes, I like to eat good food. But you know, it's not on my priority list. As I had previously illustrated here, in a post entitled "Sorry, but I still think food is a waste of money." And his reply was, "OK SET!" (or steady, somewhere along these lines).

So I went shopping in Forever 21, which is the best shop in the whole wide world, both online and off. And Topshop. And Aldo. And H&M. And Zara. And Bershka. Almost everywhere. I am quite the efficient shopper. And at 7:15 pm...my nightmare began.
HOW ANNOYING IS THIS RIGHT? LIKE, OMG ARE YOU A RETARD?!!! Okay but before I delve into the details, let me continue the story. Matthew then called me and you know what was the first thing he said? 
"I don't know what to eat leh. What do you want to eat?"
Anyway, he was talking in a very badly accented act-atas voice. Which broke into ah-beng Chinese after 5 sentences.
"我不知道leh!我的朋友要排队lor。他女朋友啦!不知道她要不要吃。。。"
I told him to WhatsApp me after he had gotten his shit together made up his mind.
OKAY and now. TIME TO BITCH.

FIRSTLY, YOU ASKED ME OUT.

(Via memegen).

Bitch, you asked me out for dinner and I waited 1.5 hours for you. And what do you want to do? You want to accompany your friend in the donut queue because his girlfriend may or may not want donuts? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

SECONDLY, YOU AGREED TO DECIDE ON WHAT TO EAT.
(Via Geek Speek).

And with so much conviction. And I even told you what I didn't eat - no chilli. And I told you that I'm only eating dinner with you on the condition that you decide on where to eat. AND WHEN YOU CALL ME THE FIRST THING YOU SAY IS THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA ON WHERE TO EAT?!!!

THIRDLY, WHY SHOULD I GO TO YOU?
(Via someecards).

Excuse me, but I was already waiting for you while you were deciding on whether you should queue up for donuts. I was in Taka for the past 30 minutes . At the DBS ATM. As I had mentioned. Several times. Twice on the phone and once on WhatsApp. And you couldn't even be bothered to walk to the ATM to look for me?! Oh wait. Rephrase. And you couldn't be bothered to articulate your request for me to look for you at LV in a question? WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING?! 

FOURTHLY, WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THESE EMOJIS?!

Hello?! Is it so hard to type sentences out on your smart phone? Is your smart phone too smart for you? Was Gravity so mindblowing that it literally blew your brains up? Because I don't see any other reason for you to suddenly lose your ability to type in coherent sentences.

IN ADDITION.
It's not like he was going to buy donuts for me, he knew I already had donuts. Also seriously, if you want to speak in ahbeng Chinese, GO AHEAD. I have nothing against ahbengs okay. In fact, my most handsome ex-bf was/is an ahbeng. I do not know why he had to insist on speaking to me in this like, weirdly-accented English. I wanted to kill myself.
(Via Troll.me).

Okay. So I went to LV and this random guy came to ask me if I'm Jac-ker-line. Jac-ker-line okay. I HATE PEOPLE WHO CALL ME THAT. Even more than being called "Jacq" instead of "Jac". You can call me "Jac", "Jacqueline (pronounced as /ˈdʒæklɨn/)", or J'kwelin. But I'm nitpicking. Because this guy was a pain. Like how I was irritated by this boy I used to know because he was collecting printouts from the printer. When you know, all he was doing was, collecting printouts from the printer. 
(Via someecards).

Anyway, this guy. One of the first things he said to me was "Aiyah why are you wearing a skirt?" Like, do you not have any interpersonal skills? I mean yes, you ride a bike, and yes, you want to ride some place else. BUT SERIOUSLY, there are better ways to express this.

We walked to this cafe in Far East Shopping Center. Along the way he told me about his dreams and ambitions. You know, because he quit his job in the oil and gas industry and he was looking into starting a business.
Matthew, "I want to open a place which sells all kinds of beer from all over the world."
Me, "Oh like Cider Pit?"
Matthew, "No no, this is different. It is for beer."
Me, "Oh, like Cider Pit but for beer?'
Matthew," No this one the concept is different. It is like beer, from all over the world."
Me, "That's like Cider Pit."
Matthew, "No, it's for beer. It will be unique and one of a kind. Like one place, with beer from all over the world."
Now, can anyone spot the glaring problem here? Hmm, wait. Trick question. There was the problem, which was him, and there was me, who was glaring at him. Also, even if you have not heard about Cider Pit, what's so new about your beer concept? Have you never heard of The Good Beer Company? One of a kind my ass. He did also say that he wanted to import coffee but his brother pointed out that every restaurant in Singapore would already have their own coffee supplier. So his brother advised him to import tea instead. Because tea is big in Asia. Yes. And because every restaurant in Singapore doesn't have it's own tea supplier. Is that it?
(Via SodaHead).

So we reached the cafe and he spent a long time telling me about how he likes quiet spaces and how this cafe was quiet and never too crowded. We ordered food (It took very long. I think he was trying to appear cultured and deep by flaunting his knowledge on the fish burger.) and he then told me about his sales job at the alcohol company. Which he quit three months ago. But you know. What do I know about drinking right? 
Matthew, "So what kind of alcohol do you like. WAIT, no let me guess...*squints and gives me the once over* you are a vodka girl."
Me, "No."
 (Actually I quite like vodka but he was annoying me so I just disagreed reflexively.)
Matthew, "Strange. Most girls like vodka."
(Oh so that's how you guessed?! Brilliant.)
Me, "I am not most girls."
Matthew, "Oh really meh. Then what alcohol do you like?"
Me, "Whiskey."
Matthew, "Like Chivas?"
Me, "No. Laphroaig."
Matthew, "What?"
Me, "Laphroaig."
Matthew,"Oh. 好像有听过。It is not that good right?"
DUDE.
(Via BeamGlobal).
Me, "Actually I drink most alcohols except for Midori."
Matthew, "Midori?"
Me, "Melon Liquor. The green coloured one."
Matthew, "Ohhh. You don't like the taste of melon is it?"
Me, "No I am okay with melon. I just don't like the taste of Midori."
Matthew, "Do you eat watermelon?"
Me, "Yes. Midori is not watermelon."
Matthew, "Really meh? So you don't like melon?"
Me, "No I don't like midori, it's a different taste."
Matthew,"So you don't eat melon?"

I thought he worked in a company which markets alcohol?!!!

He then went on to telling me about his travels to Mongolia, China, and to the border regions on Myanmar and Laos, his ex-colleagues' travels to Nepal, and many many other things. It was then that I realised that he was not exciting or adventurous - he went to those regions because his company sent him there. His most exciting trip was a backpacking trip across Thailand. WHICH, granted, is quite exciting. But it was a once-off kinda thing.

*Also meanwhile our food had come and he excused himself to go to the restroom to wash his hands because there is only one way to eat a burger - The Messy Way. He was really good at making first impressions.*

So anyway, because he was going on and on about his past, his present, and his future; about his life, his ex-colleagues' lives, and his ex-bosses lives, I had finished every single scrap of food on my plate. While he had yet to touch his burger. And you know, I talk quite a lot. It takes a lot for me to keep quiet you know. And this boy. He managed to do that.

Okay anyway, halfway through the meal my meal and his monologue, I took out my phone and charger and set it on the table. And I'm sure you guys are familiar with my family chargers.
(Note: this photo is outdated. I have since acquired a new charger from Lyon, and I bought one I think, about two weeks ago. Because my phone was dying. And that upset me.)

So I was one of the black chargers at the back. And this idiot.
Matthew, "Wah why your charger so big?"
Me, "Oh, it has a lot of power."
Matthew, "Really meh. But so heavy. And surely expensive. You see mine?"
(proceeds to take out a gay looking charger.)

Matthew, "It's very small and good."
Me, "8,000 mAh."
Matthew, "Wah how you know!"
Me, "I am good with chargers."
Matthew, "Your power is what? 10,000 mAh?"
Me, "No, 20,000mAh."
Matthew, "HUH. Got so much one meh?"
AND WITH THAT, THIS IDIOT CONVENIENTLY REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE, GRABS MY PHONE AND MY CHARGER, AND STARTS TO INSPECT THEM.
(Via Troll.me).

BITCH, NO ONE TOUCHES MY PHONE.

It's true. When I related this story to Titus, his jaw dropped and his eyes widened in shock when I got to this part. Why? There was this time when Sam, Titus and I were having dinner in Morocco. And this stupid Titus just conveniently swiped my phone out of my hand and started to use it. Sam saw the look on my face. He nudged Titus in fear. Titus didn't budge. Observant Sam then proceeded to pry my phone from Titus and passed it back to me. It was only then did Titus notice the look of utter shock, rage, and horror on my face. It was enough to make him panic and start yammering about how wonderful I am. And I just sat there clutching my phone. Because it is my phone. NO ONE TOUCHES MY PHONE.
(Via quickmeme).

Yes. Just some of the many things that I couldn't stand about him. And you know how self-absorbed he was? I mentioned that he spent the whole dinner telling me about his life, his future, his dreams etc etc etc. Which I guess is fine. But you know, never did he once stop and ask me,
"Hey, so what do you do for a living?"
And Matthew, this is exactly why you are single.
(Via someecards).

Oh and you know how he talked to me? He liked to start each sentence like this...
"This may be too technical for you but...."
"I don't want to bore you with all the jargon...."
"I don't think you will understand but..."
"I would tell you but it may be too complicated for you..."
Yes. Says the person who thinks that Midori comes from watermelons, that I paid $80 for my 20k mAh portable charger, and wants to market alcohol but doesn't know what Cider Pit is about. #loser. Anyway, he suggested going for drinks after dinner and I went, "Oh cannot! I have to wake up at 5 am tomorrow I am running up Mount Faber!" (Never thought I would be so relieved to be running the next day). Matthew then proceeded to give me running advice, saying that he could complete 10 km in 1 hour and 20 minutes. Bitch I ran up a HILL. And I did it in about an hour. 

Then, we paid for the bill. Throughout dinner he was trying to impress me by talking my ear off, but when the bill came, the first thing he did was to flip it towards me. Hello, at least look at how much your share is first right? And then he went "I think you need $0.70 more. Nevermind, I treat you."

Before we left, he started complaining about me wearing a skirt once again. Because he could have easily sent me home. And I was so happy to hear that he had parked in the opposite direction from my bus stop but OMG. This guy insisted on walking me to my bus stop. Luckily, a bus came and I hopped onto it. I of course, hopped onto the bus before realising that it was the right bus.

Yes. In conclusion, my advice to everyone, is never to go on a blind date. It's terrible and bad and unless you want to spend the evening trying not to die, or are trying to apply the skills you learnt in your anger management class, STAY AWAY.

Anyway, here's a video that Yusuf shared with me. You know, so you know where the "J'Kwelin" reference came from.



Also if you want to know what happened after, is that he kept messaging me (last message was 2 days ago), but I didn't reply to any of his messages.

Yes, okay. Now I am angsty and I need to find some relaxing things to do before I sleep. I don't want to have nightmares.

Cheers!
❤ Jac.

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216 comments

  1. this is f**king funny. this guy is REAL. LOL. sorry but that made my day.

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  2. @Mal @Greg HAHAHA. yeah but I had to suffer for 2.5 hours okay.

    @Benjamin Pls why would you want to be Matthew?

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  3. The amount of facepalms is over nine thousanddddd!!!

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  4. To be fair, not all blind dates are this bad.

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  5. pls allow me to share this on fb. cos it really funny ttm

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  6. Had not laughed so hard for quite a while. He probably tried too hard!

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  7. Just came across this post and absolutely tickled my bones! Now I know why females lost all confidence in the male gender.

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  8. Oh my.. I feel you. I've gone out with a 'Matthew' once too. The incessant talk about himself was killing me! I literally looked away and tried to drop hints that I wasn't interested in his yammering. But no, he didn't get it. And yes, I've tried yawning too.

    Hope you had a good run the next day though.

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  9. i feel so sorry to hear abt your bad encounter with a weirdo. you have my condolences, and i sincerely hope you get to date a better guy than this Matthew in the near future. cheers!

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  10. Just wanna say that you sound delightful :) and unlucky :(

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  11. This is really nice read. Sorry about the adventure, but hey now you have a great story to share. Cheers

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  12. i am getting annoyed just by reading. you did a great job! i might just murder him or commit suicide.. likely the former. hahaha.

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  13. The Blind Date.

    Mysteriously exciting in various way. The date nailed it in a way or another.

    Is there an episode 2 of this ? :D

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  14. omg too funny!! i apologize on behalf of my gender.. this post is going viral on fb btw...

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  15. OMG I FEEL YOU GIRL! Hahahaha you're soooo brave to share your account to the entire Internet-sphere. Least the guy didn't try to make a move on you, I once had a guy telling me, 'We're on speed dating express.', attempted countless of times to make me LIE ON HIS LAP and literally, blew into my ears (Why? I don't know, seduction fail I guess.)

    But really, thanks for the share, made me feel less alone in terms of dealing with failure in Online/Instant dating.

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  16. Haha random stranger here but you totally got to me at the "glaring problem" part.

    Keep blogging~

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  17. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

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  18. no idea how u didnt leave before the night was even done

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  19. you should have left when he went to the toilet . im seriously surprised men like that even exist.

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  20. I'm reading this in bed at 1.10am and I'm having cramps now from controling my laughter. That guy has HORRIBLE social skills! Hahaha!

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  21. if i were a fly on a wall, tough toss between wanting to buzz all around Matthew or be entertained by you going through the entire ordeal.

    on an irrelevant note, props for namedropping Cider Pit!

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  22. reading this made my day. not to be a schadenfreude but that "blind date" took serious patience.

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  23. A good read. Thank you for sharing your experience.

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  24. HAHAHA!! damn this is funny! disappointed that there won't be a sequel..

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  25. Sounds bad. Just wondering why did you go through with the whole date. Should have just drop him and go home early.

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  26. LOL this is Epic. Poor Jac. The better guy will come, no rush.

    BTW your tolerance level is very high.

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  27. This is like the intro to a chick flick. lol!!

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  28. You might want to consider playing for the other team.

    You're funny, keep blogging!

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  29. heart goes out to you..

    hilarous post but unfortunately its built on your ummmm... 'misfortune'

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  30. great style and i love the pics. on a serious note, blind dates are hits and misses (with a lot more of the latter than the former). just because your first one went badly doesn't mean you shouldn't try again, no?

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  31. I feel bad for you, and for him. He just needs to learn how to be on a blind date, or a date for that matter. At the rate he's going, he probably won't end up dating anyone.

    Then again, he could probably be experimenting being irritating and you were the unfortunate date.

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  32. this is hilarious. provided me with a great start to my day. better luck next time!

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  33. Bahahaha!! Some of the funniest stuff I've read in eons!! Just gold, cheers for the laughs!

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  34. Poor social skills but he can talk a lot. I guess he just doesn't know how to talk to a girl or he he doesn't understand girls at all. Haha

    Thanks for the post. I had a good laugh.

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  35. I nearly fell off my chair while reading this, it was hilarious! Unfortunately, it was at your expense of having a terrible date night. Feel bad for ya.

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  36. omg! i feel for you cos this happened to me before... the guy's exactly the same style... talk like ah beng, talk about himself only and all about himself. but no it's not the same guy, cos mine happened 10 years ago! XD guess what, the "matthew" in my case brought photo albums out on that blind date and showed pics of his family and his growing up years from kid to NS etc throughout the tea (he insisted on meeting for tea and not for meals, and kept sms me to double confirmed that i have eaten before meeting him. perhaps cos meals very expensive to treat?)... (O_O)!!! i feel for you... hope you had a great run =)

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  37. Douchebag/Dumbass of the Year!!!

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  38. LOL...I think he's really clueless

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  39. I have not met anyone close to what you had described. Am impressed on how u handled it. Thumbs up.

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  40. Haha. So funny, Jack ker line

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  41. omg! you are too funny! a friend shared your post on FB and i'm glad i came across your blog. haha

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  42. Damn!! Your post is super entertaining. Please do more such amazing post but then again skip the blind date. Hahahah

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  43. Wow epic story sounds like some sports jock alpha male thinking he some cool shit and all the ladies dig him. But more like a loser that no one wants to get too close too. Made me laugh from a start this male version of a bimbo just call him dumbo ait.... Cheers good story crack me up made my day....

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  44. Hahahaha! Why u nv take a pic with him to show us????

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  45. it's hilarious! I'm like hyperventilating while reading your post!

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  46. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7NRa2fH9kg

    Exchange-O-gram

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  47. Ever thought of giving advertising a shot?

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  48. Cringe-inducing story, but loved every single word of it.

    Use OKCupid - people are smarter there *patpat*

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  49. I just become your fan when I read this.

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  50. If stupidity had a face, it would be his!

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  51. -.- whoever that maththew is he is missing out on the good smokey richness of a Laphroaig 18 years and above single malt or even the single cask limited edition ones.

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  52. Face palm all the time. Lousy, self-absorbed retard.

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  53. Sorry. Got to see this post somewhere from facebook. This is freaking hilarious. And seriously, I feel that you have met one of the most lousiest blind date that could ever happen. There are more out there with seriously better quality and class.

    Jackson

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  54. What a hilarious epic story, definitely made my day, kudos to way you handled it :)

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  55. Oh wel, perhaps he's just socially awkward and has no idea how to play the dating game. One guy like that doesn't represent the whole lot (like myself). But it goes to show that it doesn't mean guys with better written profiles are all good. There may be a gem hiding somewhere in those profiles that you given the thumbs down.

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  56. Hi!
    Your post is freaking HILARIOUS no wonder there are so many single people around because of losers like him. But hey! Blind dates can be really fun too aside from meeting asswipes like him. Just never meet someone unless you've texted them quite a while already and I'm sure you are smart enough to tell what kind of person he is by texting already.
    In fact, I met my boyfriend (first person I've ever met online some more I was nervous i could shit bricks) online and we're almost 2 years together now :) That is...after meeting a couple of losers and a few gentlemen after him and decided to choose him. -grins with a halo-

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  57. Ohh there's definitely ppl out there who ace at blind dates, just not him..
    Keep searching!

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  58. hahhaa... he was trying too hard to be somebody else... well mostly maybe he tried to impress you, umhhh failed in the end.. Nice one!

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  59. love the way you articulate your story with memes and pictures!

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  60. it's the 1st time i been to your blog.. well, there is really lots of stupidity/ego in this fellow. Watched too much of gentleman mtv i guess. :\

    Blind dates are like russian roulette, is either you live or you die from it.

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  61. I'M NOT SURE WHETHER THIS IS SHALLOW OR ANYTHING BUT AFTER READING THIS POST I JUST FELT LIKE I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY AND I'M NOW DEDICATING MY LIFE TO MARRYING YOU AND I NOW REALISE capital letters might not be the best method of getting this across so I'm gonna stop now.

    You made my day, J'kwelin.

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  62. My bf and I went on blind date. Ended up a match. Lol.. I went on many blind dates but luckily, mine are acceptable. Maybe you happened to date the worst one? =X

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  63. Oh. My. Gawd.

    I felt the excruciating squeeze-tabasco-directly-into-the-eyes pain just reading this entry.

    What you have endured must have been 10 times over.

    Sorry you had to go through that.

    Ouch.

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  64. Wow, you made my lonely lunch not lonely..

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  65. This is absolutely hilarious! It's amazing how this guy has friends.

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  66. Just checking how much mistakes I made when I first dated my wife. Messy eater checked. Talked non stop checked. No idea where to eat checked. Ah beng accent hmm checked.

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  67. very noice. now watch out for 'hackers'

    http://therealsingapore.com/content/blogger-asks-free-haircut-threatens-damage-shops-reputation-when-rejected

    hurhur

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  68. You wrote well. Made my day. An interesting ball buster. Keep it up buddy.

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  69. Such a dork! How can anyone be with this kinda man? oh gosh...

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  70. haha I couldn't agree more! :) i'm impressed you managed to keep your cool. I would have left the dinner halfway because i dont believe in torturing myself. :D

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  71. I don't even know why you bothered to meet him after the "LV" conversation. I would have just told him I can't have dinner.

    But yeah, not all blind dates are bad. Some can be quite good. However, I've my share of stories too. Hahaha!

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  72. Pardon my language but this is abso-f**kin-lutely hilarious. But I feel your pain girl, honestly I do. :D

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  73. Blind dates are exactly that, a gamble. The next one could be another Matthew, or he could sweep you off your feet. Give it a go ;)

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  74. THIS IS FREAKING FUNNY. OMG. AND THOSE PICTURES YOU POSTED TRULY REFELCT YOUR FEELINGS HAHAHA Hope dinner was good at least!

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  75. Ok, I'm gonna check out this app.
    Any app that gives the possibility of a date with a girl that hot and that patient deserves a try!

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  76. This is one of the longest blog post I ever read. Usually I just go TLDR but the entertainment to length ratio for this post is off the charts! Love the little pictorial inserts too. And the full of rage ness makes it darn funny. Can totally imagine your thoughts and feelings along the way. Nice! Maybe I will check out that app someday.

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  77. haven't laughed so hard at a blog post for a very long time. thanks and hope you meet better guys on Paktor ;p

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

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  78. Fantastic read! Thanks for the entertainment.

    As my FB friend who first linked to this entry said, Gilbert Goh should read this.

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  79. I would have hang him for u... wat a douche....

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  80. Please take one for the team and go out with him again. Safe to say, everyone here wants an encore post.

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  81. can only said
    this kind of person
    need 2 be teach

    ask him attend some lesson about sharing but dominating.

    and yes only loser try hard 2 pretending they know a lot n this 1
    give me a good laugh.

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  82. lol

    seriously I think in highschool
    should have teach how 2 company girls
    at least.

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  83. This is funny, but give him a break, maybe he is trying a little way too hard to impress you?

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  84. Lol!! I actually met up with this extremely annoyin guy from paktor too and your guy in this story seems to be oddly the same person! From the bad english to the constant yakking about himself!

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  85. hahahha. this is why i haven't dated in singapore in the last 12 years. i can't deal with it here.

    i just want to say, i don't know you but i think we must be friends.

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  86. lol I'm torn between supporting your decision to never go on a blind date ever again and encouraging you to go on more cuz I love your retelling! <3 tinana

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  87. I know this guy. He was on onr of the shelves in "the reject shop"!!!

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  88. Matthew said it was because your face looks like a frying pan.

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  89. Girl, I feel for you. Seriously, I do. I've been meeting many 'Matthews' myself here in Seoul. This is definitely why there are so many guys who "can't understand" girls and end up being single. It's not because their lack of ability to understand but their lack of interest. >.>

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  90. It's like you have no clue about dating... You should have known better since the first of his texts.

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  91. Hi jac, Nice blogpost. Have a feelng your blog will go viral from this incident haha. Never knew such a person can also score some dates. Nice advice there too, on why women thumbs down your profile. Here's my 2cts, sometimes men won't even notice about this and kept doing it because he learnt it from his male buddies(no guy will ask a lady for dating tips right) OR it works 'in the movies'

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  92. You're right, you sure talk a lot ;)

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  93. Thanks for sharing this hilarious story, Jac. I would most guys out there arent like him, this guy is a real jewel in the country of "duh". Hehe

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  94. I can't stop laughing while reading your blog!! Nice post. I like how you included some quotes that matches how you feel. :)

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  95. hey babe! i totally feel u! i met up with a guy thru paktor too. thought he was quite a good texter but during the meetup, he was just like Matthew! but i guess mine was worse because he was being touchy! goodness.

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  96. Lol.... This is the exact image of a "Boy" by the way. I do admit that alot of man wanna be is out there trying to flaunt whatever skills they have to impress girls... Not many ladies out there are like you, able to evaluate properly.... Lucky you are not like the normal girls out there who looks at only looks and pockets. If not there will be another sad romance coming up in near future. I don't have a handsome face nor perfect body. ( My BMI is above 40 by the way). I am not rich either earning normal blue collar salary. But at least I have a gf ( wife to be) who is considered above average and 98% in my eyes. lol.....

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  97. Yes!! this made my day.... message out there to guys, girls ain't picky, you just need to do it right? lol

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    Replies
    1. must give chance la! no chance how to do ?

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  98. This story has a silver lining. Now the whole world knows that such a guy exist!! And everyone is laughing WITH you. Haha.

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  99. and these mattew kind of guys get a date with girls like you thats the saddest part! i will be forever single when all girls like you in the world keep giving chances to mathews! >.<

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  100. nicely written. so funny. haha. sooner or later u will get a better 1. cos u deserve better.

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  101. Wow...that sounded so painful...and funny at the same time. You had a lot more patience than I would have had with him!

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  102. This is gold. I love how you describe him as if he was a real character. Oh wait...

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  103. Haha... ur description were so perfect I could picture all the face palming moments in my mind... lol... btw it was quite graceful of u to finish dinner with him. I would have used some excuses to slip away. Haha...

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  104. Hi! How do you configure your whatsapp last seen timestamp into "who cares?" Could you share? Thanks in advance! :)

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  105. lol. that guy... and that video on the names... this actually reminds me of what a friend of mine went thru as well.. almost identical.

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  106. I'm sorry you had such a bad (yet hilarious) first experience, but I think you shouldn't write off blind dating as a whole. You probably know this, but not all guys on Paktor are like Matthew (have to say that because I actually use the app too, but I swear, I'm not a complete jerk like him).

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  107. Your uncanny sense of humour has rendered this unfortunate episode for you into a series of laughing fits for all of us. With humour like that why do you even need to blind date lol... Not all blind dates are bad though, chivalry ain't dead yet.

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  108. This is really funny! you should have just made up some excuse and leave after the "donut queue"!

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  109. LOL. Now I'm a fan of yours after reading this post. Good job.

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  110. Tsk. I wish Matthew reads this. Because this could afford a comeback.

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  111. awesome post! sorry about ur bad blind date! But keep good faith? your next one might be better!

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  112. Awesome post! Sorry about ur bad blind date, but keep faith! Your next one might be better!

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  113. i think i just found my favourite local blog :) absolutely hilarious writing style .. thanks for sharing and trying to brighten up what can only be miserable lives compared to yours :)

    cheers ! !

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  114. i think i just found my favourite local blog :) absolutely hilarious .. thanks for sharing and trying to brighten up what can only be miserable lives compared to yours :)

    cheers ! !

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  115. Yes he might be an ahbeng who does not speak as well as you do drinks the whiskey u drink or travel like you do. But girls like u gives Singaporean gals a bad name. Materialistic high expectations bla bla. If he doesn't know ciderpit, intro it to him. If he doesn't know the whiskey u like, teach him. You know u totally sound like a spoiled brat with statements like "you asked me out" "why should I go to you" .

    Yes he might not be the greatest conversationalist but he is not a alcohol expert a language teacher nor is he your boyfriend. If u think waiting 1.5 hours for him was tough why did u agree to the date? Now look, YOU DID complain that u waiting 1.5 hrs.

    I am not saying he is right or ur wrong, or he's a nice guy or Wat. But you shouldn't have criticize someone, anyone for that matter, until so badly. Imagine someone criticized you and u read abt it, how would you feel?

    Before you point your finger at someone else, remember, 4 fingers are pointing back at yourself.

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  116. very funny. today was very boring for me. but that made my night. now i can go to sleep with a smile. thank you Jac (:

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  117. loved it... funny and informative... i am going on a blind date tomorrow night... hope i don't fuck up as much as he did.

    btw, i don't even know why you are going on blind dates. you are so pretty, im sure all the guys are falling for you... -b

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  118. I am laughing so hard. And then I am dying. And I am laughing again. With the girl beside my table in KAP thinking I am some psycho. Matthew oh Matthew~~~ Okay I'm officially missing you Jac-ker-lin!!!!!!!!!

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  119. Tell me this is a troll post, this guy CANNOT be for real....OR CAN HE?!?!?!

    Thanks for the laughs, it really helped me out a lot! ^o^

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  120. funny and entertaining post. Thumbs up! Cheers

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  121. Entertaining read... he sounded different before you met him?

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  122. Entertaining read... he sounded different before you met him?

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  123. why are you so awesome jacqueline???

    really a funny article, good on you brave girl :)

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  124. Oh my god, you have the same charger as me! The 20K one.

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  125. What is happening to PEOPLE?!
    I blame the lack of positive male role models on mass media these days. Governments should dedicate one channel to MacGyver reruns so that boys grow up knowing how to behave chivalrous. Or even just to remind them there are so many things a brain can be used for other than burning calories.

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  126. Ur experience should really be made into a movie. Not fair that all others are missing out on this brilliantly funny post!

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  127. My friends were sharing this all over facebook and I had to read this, made me laugh so badly.

    I've met a few Matthews, in gay version, in my own way. 3 years back, I went out with a Matthew who was so self-absorbed and narcissistic, I think he's a fraud too LOL.

    Anyways, this Matthew introduced himself when I got on to his car and in a quick switch of topics, he went out about how successful he was, bla bla bla. I think he was out to recruit young teenagers (being 17 then) for those psuedo business companies like QQ, Amway and what not. From that, he went on to claim how he wasn't gay, but was just playing gay dating websites to "check guys out". And then came the most disgusting thing he did..

    HE OFFERED TO SHOW ME HIS LOVEBITE when I protested. Like he was driving the car, stuck in the jam and he proceeded to reveal his "lovebite".

    Then we were supposed to go stroll around in a Mall and he'd send me back at the end of the day (part of the agreement). Suddenly I went to buy some stuff and he proceeded to give me a bad face and tell me "these things are a waste of money, useless shit" yadayada. Like.. excuse me, I'm not making you buy them,and we're not exactly doing anything either. For the rest of the date, he proceeded to show me a bad face.

    Then 7:30 came and he decided to ditch me in the mall alone and said he had "urgent" business matters to attend to. Left me there, thank god I found a way back on my own, lmfao.

    Right after that, never contacted him. Never even wanted to reply his messages.

    Some other variations of Matthews I've met are the stingy ones, asks you out to a high-end mall, tells you he wants to eat good then informs you he's on tight budget. Ohmaigawd. Another one I can think of is the kind of guy who wastes your time just because they know they've got your attention (35 year old uncle please, I feel like I've lost a substantial amount of my youth just entertaining this 6-packed uncle playing merry-go round with 20 year old me).

    Last but not least, was the Matthew-touches-my-phone kind of guy. This one guy, proceeds to take my book conveniently without my permission, flip through my notes like he was allowed to see everything.

    Just so happens yours came in a package, mine came in single sets of traits. But similar nonetheless. Your pain is felt. We should be glad we're alive and still bitching about them, HAHAHAHA. I can't remember a Matthew of combined traits, if I do, I'll let you know ;).

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  128. Funny post, but you sound like a spolit and self absorbed girl yourself.

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  129. The local sass queen has arrived.

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  130. this is so funny. but your "35 yr old uncle" comments made me sad. (i'm 36 this yr BTW) :(

    But i guess you're just unlucky to meet all the crazy guys but it does make your life interesting no? :P

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  131. I actually read this whole thing. Really pity you. Why do guys like this even exist. Painful.

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  132. Hahaha ... never go for blind date ... maybe that time was not a good moment LOL

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  133. hahaha ... it just not a right moment to meet up at that time I guess ... but it will be a funny story to share

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  134. Let me first apologies from all that is male about ****(Mathew's) behavior... :O
    Second this post was freaking hilarious :P

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  135. Thank you for making me laugh this morning but I hope this is the worst date you will ever have. Seriously, I would have made my own plans after he whatsapp'd about them donuts. So here's a Ryan Gosling message for you :)

    http://memegenerator.net/instance/42974712

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  136. hahah
    this really made my laugh real hard
    it must be tough trying to contain your explosion

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  137. I am gonna shun 'matthew's.....

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  138. I suspect if you had dated to any of the guys you rejected it might have turned out better and you might have a nice surprise instead of a nasty one. Felt sorry for you. :D

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  139. The quality of your date ,blind or not, only depends on how much homework you did...

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  140. Thanks to you for enduring through, this is the funniest thing i've read all day!

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  141. This made my day's leave worth while. Haha

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  142. I'm sorry that he said that he's from the Oil & Gas industry...we have our fair share of weirdos from around the world but still all more interesting than this guy

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  143. Darling,

    You have not met the blind date who insisted that you should stand at a specific corner of the bar while he maintained a distance to count the number of men coming to chat you up.

    Then he leaves you standing bewildered for a good 15 minutes as he tries to chat up some other female in the bar.

    At this point, responsibility to the paid movie tickets still remains so we courteously bore it all.

    But of course, to top it off, he had to be handsy during the movie so we found ourselves pacing the washroom for as long as it is deemed socially acceptable, rueing our tragic Friday night.

    I do admire his positive attitude though. He thought the date went swimmingly, as evident from his later messages.

    Perhaps he changed his mind when they all went unreplied.


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  144. You had me at "20,000 mAh". Clearly you are a 'power' blogger!

    Keep up the writing. You are hilarious! Another 99 of these blind dates and you could write a book...

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  145. Jacqueline, I just stumbled upon your blog from a Singaporean friend who posted your link. This is hilarious - I was cringing sentence after sentence. Good riddance to him! What a weird person. Glad he is out of your life now. He sounded so arrogant and self-absorbed. I would've taken the phone call excuse and left, haha!

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  146. I think you shouldn't meet guys online and go for blind dates..

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  147. he really sounds like an awful date
    u shdnt have met him durimg the donut thing
    but i do hope u r not wondering why u r single tho cause thats also pretty clear

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  148. skipped alot of parts but the ones i caught made me oh...wow...aah...

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  149. Even for a guy like me, Mathew is someone i would never be friends with. Mathew seems rather annoying. Not all blind dates are bad. You just got unlucky imo.

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  150. Haha nice, Jackweeeeelin, I actually enjoyed reading your post, especially those memes. But I wouldn't give up on blind dates entirely - you just have not met a suitable guy who knows how to treat a lady. In the meantime, have fun waiting in Singapore, where both genders bash each other incessantly for all the wrong reasons. If and when we do meet one day, we're going to have a crazy time. Cheers.

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  151. But $80 for a 20000mah charger is sti... I mean.. great post! Loving every bit of it (esp the memes!)

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  152. if you wanted to leave so badly, why didn't you just tell it to his face.

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  153. HOLY SHIT. U HAVE REALLY GOOD MANNERS. CHEERS TO UR OUTSTANDING PATIENCE TO LAST SO LONG WITH MATT. :)

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  154. This post made my day, laugh liked crazy thru out xD

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  155. honestly jac, some blind dates are this bad. u were just.. unfortunate to be in one haha!

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  156. Came across this blog article on facebook, quite an interesting read.

    I'm just wondering about a few things.

    1) I'm actually interested find out about the guy's side of the story, after all he too might realise that it was a crappy blind date.

    2) At least he messaged you to find out if his dating tactics worked? Although I agree that it is terrible but hey not everyone is good at first impressions right?

    3) It was your due to your own bad judgement, in choosing someone to 'bad' to actually go on a date with him. Technically it is not a blind date since you have already 'met' him on Paktor.

    4) It's Paktor, don't expect Brad Pitt!

    5) I don't think he did anything wrong to deserve any of this very bad publicity on your blog. This reflects baldy on you.

    But... Interesting story concept. I did enjoy your gossipy story. Your writing style would suit tabloid papers very well.

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  157. Hilarious! Sorry for laughing. This really brightened up my gloomy day.

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  158. this was a thoroughly entertaining read...

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  159. HAHA! This is one of the most interesting i ever read in life. Well done Jac, never date ah bengs anymore! haha. All the best!

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  160. HAHA! This is one of the most interesting i ever read in life. Well done Jac, never date ah bengs anymore! haha. All the best!

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  161. You are amazing. HAHAHAHAHAHA

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  162. Actually I like all your picture tags that show your emotions more than your encounter.. But its sure a good laugh in a bad day :D

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  163. There goes our Singapore men. What to do? Majority aren't men of the art ;)

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  164. Welll... he managed to get a blog post out of you.. so that must be something.. .Lol

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  165. You funny girl. Wai do dis. Bad for experience. Much funny, epic very, most wonderous.

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  166. Wai yu do dis kind of ting gal. Waiiiii. Much nonsense, retarded very, but many vunderful.

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  167. I think you really got the bad straw out of the draw this time.

    Maybe a change of medium to find potential dating partners would yield better results!

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  168. I'm glad that you survived after going for a blind date. Hahaha this is so hilarious!

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  169. Try dating a simpler guy who is not there to impress but being himself :) ...

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  170. Haha your "blind date" is hilarious and a little 自大 but not ALL are like that. In fact my 1st blind date turned out to be the one i say I Do.. so happy endings do happened. :)

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  171. This totally cracked me up! Haha, went to check out the app and it's full of the kind of photos like what you mentioned!

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  172. I just came across your blog through my friend's facebook post. i lol'd many times while reading this. ps you are gorgeous!

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  173. Hi Jac.....your post is soo funny!! Thanks for making my day...
    Well, as a girl myself, I'm wondering why did you go on blind date...you're so pretty !!
    Im pretty sure many guys will que to know you :) Just wait for the right one. Wish u all d best and keep posting ;)

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  174. I love this entry! and because of it, I went to dl the app too! haha it's funny how it works and I'm also currently doing a post about my experience on it :)

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  175. I love this entry! and because of it, I went to dl the app too! haha it's funny how it works and I'm also currently doing a post about my experience on it :)

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  176. Haha, seems like straight out from a drama.

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  177. The 15 mins I spent reading this post is so worth it... Both hilarious and educational. I respect your courtesy not to fly his kite. The good thing out of your disastrous episode is to learn that a man doesn't need to be a superman to be a normal guy. Common sense is not common. Haha

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  178. The post was very well written and entertaining, had me laughing really bad. But, don't lose faith in every "Matthew" you meet, cause my name happens to be Matthew too, heh. So it was kind of weird reading the post..

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  179. I have learnt something today! It was a good read!

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  180. Guys like this are great, because they make guys like me look really good (in comparison).

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